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100 Things Not To Say During Sex
- But everybody looks funny naked.
- You woke me up for that?
- Did I mention the video camera?
- Do you smell something burning?
- (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead....
- Try breathing through your nose.
- A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
- Is that a medic-alert pendit?
- Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
- But whipped cream makes me break out.
- Person 1: This is your first time, right?
Person 2: Yeah..today.
- (in a Motel) Hurry up!! This room rents by the hour!
- Can you please pass me the remote control?
- Do you accept Visa?
- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
- On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
- And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
- So much for mouth to mouth.
- (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, ok?
- Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober.
- (holding a bannana) Just a little trick I learned at the zoo.
- Do you get any premium movie channels?
- Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
- (preparing to use peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch.
- Got any penecillin?
- But I just brushed my teeth.
- Smile, you're on candid camera.
- I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
- I want a baby!
- So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies.
- (in a threesome) Why am I doing all the work?
- Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.
- Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
- I think you have it on backwards.
- When is this supposed to feel good?
- Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs.
- You're good enough to do this for a living.
- Is that blood on the headboard.
- Did I remember to take my pill?
- Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
- I wish we got the Playboy channel.
- That leak better be from the waterbed.
- I told you it wouldn't work without batteries.
- But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
- If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
- Did I tell you my Aunt Marha died on this bed?
- No really, I do this part better myself.
- It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate.
- This would be more fun with a few more people.
- You're almost as good as my ex.
- Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
- Is that you I smell, or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
- You look younger than you feel.
- Perhaps you're just out of practice.
- You sweat more than a galloping stallion.
- They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
- Now I know why he/she dumped you...
- Does your husband own a sawed-off gun?
- You give me reason to believe foreplay is overated.
- What tampon?
- Have you ever considered liposuction?
- And to think, I didn' even have to buy you dinner.
- What are you planning to make for breakfast?
- I have a confession....
- was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home.
- Are those real or am I just behind the times?
- Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
- Is that a hanging sculpture?
- You'll still vote for me, won't you?
- Did I mention my transexual operation?
- I really hate womem who think sex means something.
- Did you come yet, dear?
- I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about.
- A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.
- Does this count as a date?
- Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you.
- Hic! I need another beer for this, please.
- I think biting is romantic, don't you?
- Q: You can cook too, right?
A: (whaddaya think I'm doing?)
- When would you like to meet my parents?
- Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.
Woman: Yourself?
- Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
- Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
- Don't mind me, I always file my nails in bed.
- (in a phone booth) Would you mind if I make a few calls?
- I hope I didn't forget to tuen the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
- Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman.
- Sorry but I don't do toes.
- Could you at least ACT like you're enjoying it?
- Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO.
- Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
- I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
- So THAT'S why they call you Mr. Flash.
- My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer.
- Is this a sin too?
- I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain.
- Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
- Long kisses clog my sinuses.
- Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise.
- How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
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