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Life Lessons from Melrose Place
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If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with
whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.
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Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both,
often.
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A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire,
curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight
vodka.
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Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face. Really
hard.
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Pretend you're pregnant.
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Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
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If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient,
fake your own death.
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Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
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Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty
should be an integral part of any relationship.
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When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to
shut the door tightly on your way out.
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Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking...or have
a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh
hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
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Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try
to choke you.
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If you get fired, get drunk.
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Call your ex-wife "Baby."
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If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt
and do it by the pool.
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Randomly insult the people around you.
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Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental.
Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll
be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.
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If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better
job at twice the salary.
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A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best.
Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.
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Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean
that you can't carpool to work with them.
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