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- Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin
- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner
- I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -- Jay Leno
- The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. -- Jackie Gleason
- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -- Red Buttons
- I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name". -- Mike Binder
- Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. -- Stephen Leacock
- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestone
- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. -- Ellen DeGeneres
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer
- I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -- Sue Kolinsky
- The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -- Roger Simon
- You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. -- Pearl Williams
- Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. -- Billiam Coronel
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison
- Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. -- Johnny Carson
- It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. -- George Lindsey
- Never moon a werewolf. -- Mike Binder
- If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -- George Gobel
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
- There's no future in time travel.
- Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- If you can't convince them, confuse them.
- Death is hereditary.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
- Dyslexics of the world, untie!
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.